Greetings physical being!
By a fortuitous twist of fate you have hit upon the secret webpage of Magnus the Prince of Spirit Guides. Read on and you will learn much wisdom. As many of you will know dead people are so much smarter than the living, and dead people that lived a long time ago are smarter still. Your feeble intellects cannot hope to match mine so listen up and you might learn something. In a moment I shall explain to you the mysteries of life and death as well as showing you how to become wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. Well maybe not your wildest dreams because you might well dream of having all the money in the world plus another £17.50 and that is just not possible. So let’s just say you can achieve riches beyond a slightly conservative dream in which you imagined yourself to have a reasonable amount of cash.

But there is more to life than money. Cash brings but temporary happiness and often results in misery and despair. Actually that’s not true but I thought it might make you feel better.

But I digress. First let me give you the good news, there is no such thing as death! Bear in mind when I say there is no such thing as death I’m obviously not counting the bit that follows just after you stop living. If you find your meagre life span hard to accept hold on to the thought that things could be worse. How you ask (See I am psychic.) Well for a start you could be dead already, that would be worse wouldn’t it Worse still, you might have been born a ferret or perhaps a ferret with a limp. See how wise I am, you’re feeling much better about being snuffed out for all eternity aren’t you Remember if you were getting this stuff from a medium it would cost you a fortune. (Speaking of which, if you are a sceptic, please don’t judge mediums too harshly. They have little capacity to think for themselves and are genetically inferior to other people. Most of them are quite ugly and pay little attention to personal hygiene. They are to be pitied not exposed.)

But for those of you who, despite all the evidence to the contrary, are not yet ready to accept your mortality I can pass on the reassuring (but sadly false) news that your Grandmother is here with me now and is sending you her love. If both your Grandmothers are still alive then what I mean is I have a higher female energy here, so I’ll leave you to work out who it is okay Just to make it easier for you this person used to like chocolate and was quite fond of fruit. Some of her clothing had zips.

Before I go pay heed to yet more pearls of wisdom to make your pathetic life a bit more bearable. Never eat cheese, it contains weevils that chew their way out of your stomach and work their way up into your brain. Medical science will discover this on 23rd March 2015 but thanks to me you’re already ahead of the game. You should also avoid badgers for reasons I won’t go into now. But what you really want to know is how to become rich beyond your ambitious yet firmly realistic dreams.

To achieve this you must sell everything you possess so that you are ready to invest when the time is right. In 2009 near the time of the summer solstice, oil prices will soar as President Jeb Bush invades Iran. At this time you should plough your money into a small company in Sussex who create a wheelbarrow that runs on ‘free energy’.

Lastly I want to pass on a great little ruse that you can use to impress your friends - the incredible floating a trumpet trick! There are two basic methods. The first, and slightly more difficult way, is to exude ectoplasm from your body (any orifice will do providing you don’t need it for a while) and allow it to mould itself into a spirit hand that can lift the trumpet high into the air. If you do it this way then it’s probably best to turn the lights off to ensure your personal safety. The second method is to be strapped up in a chair (get someone to cut you free when it’s dark) and just get up and hold the trumpet in the air yourself. For this you will need a total blackout but just in case some spoilsport turns a light on you’ll need to dream up an excuse beforehand. It doesn’t need to be remotely credible so I’m sure you can think of something. Just don’t use the ‘troublesome spirit’ line, only a complete idiot would think of that!

Love & Kisses

Magnus